Are you trying to be a gentle parent but struggling with fears of being permissive? Do you hear terms like ‘respect your child’ and question whether this means you are never allowed to say ‘no’?
If so, you are not alone. It is one of the biggest confusions in modern parenting.
There is no shortage of conflicting information on the ever-changing internet and parenting attitudes about raising an entitled child. The good news is that you can practice kind, respectful and empathetic parenting with consistent firm boundaries, and that is the whole point.
This blog will provide you with very simple clarity regarding gentle parenting vs permissive parenting. I will outline definitions, provide clear side-by-side comparisons, and provide real-world examples to help you parent confidently and creatively.
What is Gentle Parenting? A Clear Definition
Gentle parenting is a parenting philosophy of empathy, respect, and boundaries. It is about seeing your child as a person who is learning to grow, not a subordinate. The first goal is learning, not punishment, and the second goal is to help your child become emotionally intelligent and able to self-regulate.
Principles of Gentle Parenting
Empathy and respect: You try to see your child’s views (even when you don’t like their behavior), whether you agree with it or not. You treat them with respect and kindness.
Boundaries with good intentions: The purpose of clear, consistent limits on behavior is to keep children safe and help them learn important life lessons. The “gentle” part comes in creating and maintaining those limits with kindness and grace.
Teaching and connection: Discipline is understood as teaching. You work with the child to fix the problem with the focus on connection, not punishment.
What is Permissive Parenting then?
Permissive parenting (which may also be called indulgent parenting) is a style with lots of warmth but few rules. A permissive parent might act more like a friend than a parent since a permissive parent usually encourages their child’s happiness (to be free) in that moment instead of the child’s long-term growth. A permissive parent seeks to avoid conflict or confrontation and can have difficulty following through with consequences.
The Core Elements of Permissive Parenting
High Warmth, Low Structure: The parent displays love, warmth and affection, but the parent doesn’t set or enforce any boundaries or limits.
Conflict-Avoidant: The parent will give into to a child’s wishes or demands to avoid a tantrum or confrontation when possible.
Low expectations on the child: There are few demands placed upon the child for mature behavior, chores, or self-control.
Gentle Parenting vs. Permissive Parenting: The Key Difference
If you remember one thing from this article, it should be this:
The biggest difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting is that as a gentle parent, you still provide a well-respected and necessary boundary.
A gentle parent might say, “I see you’re angry that you can’t have another cookie and that’s ok. The answer is still no. We don’t eat cookies before dinner.”
A permissive parent might say, “Oh, please don’t cry. OK, fine, just one more. But don’t tell Dad.”
Both parents are nice; only one parent is holding a firm limit.
A Side-by-Side Comparison
Sometimes, seeing it laid out visually is the best way to understand the gentle parenting vs. permissive parenting differences.
| Situation | Gentle Parenting Response | Permissive Parenting Response |
|---|---|---|
| Boundaries | “You can be angry, but you may not hit. Hitting hurts.” (Acknowledges feeling, holds the limit on behavior). | “Oh, stop that. Here, take this toy instead.” (Distracts to avoid conflict, doesn’t address the behavior). |
| Discipline | “You threw the sand, so we are leaving the park now so everyone stays safe. We can try again tomorrow.” (Natural consequence, focuses on teaching). | “If you do that one more time, we’re leaving!” (Makes empty threats, rarely follows through). |
| Emotions | “I see you’re so sad we have to leave. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun. I’ll give you a hug.” (Validates emotion without changing the limit). | “Don’t be sad! It’s not a big deal. We’ll go get ice cream.” (Tries to fix or erase the emotion). |
Real-World Scenarios: Gentle vs Permissive Parenting in Action
Scenario: The “I Want Another Cookie” Meltdown
❌ Permissive Parent Response
Gives in to avoid the tantrum. The immediate goal is to stop the crying. The long-term lesson for the child is: “If I protest loud enough, I get what I want.”
✅ Gentle Parent Response
Kneels down, validates the feeling, but holds the limit: “I know you want another cookie because they are so yummy! It’s disappointing when we can’t have more. Cookies are for after dinner. Would you like to help me cut the carrots or set the table?”
Scenario: The “I Don’t Want to Leave the Park” Standoff
❌ Permissive Parent Response
Either begs and pleads (“Pleeease come on, just five more minutes?”) or gives up entirely, letting the child decide when to leave. The child learns they are in charge.
✅ Gentle Parent Response
Gives a warning, then acts with empathy and choice: “We are leaving in 2 minutes.” After 2 minutes: “Okay, it’s time to go now. It’s hard to leave when you’re having fun. Do you want to race me to the car or walk like a dinosaur?”
How to Be a Gentle Parent (Without Being Permissive)
See the Feeling, Say the Limit
It’s okay for your child to feel anything, but it’s not okay for them to do anything. First, show them you understand their feeling. Then, calmly state the rule.
Example: “I see you’re really frustrated right now. And our family rule is homework comes before screens.”Don’t Rescue, Let Them Learn
Let your child fix their own small mistakes. When you always jump in to save them, they don’t learn how to solve problems for themselves. Let them learn from safe, natural results.
Example: Instead of bringing their forgotten jacket, ask: “Oh no, you forgot it! What can you do to stay warm at recess?”Be Their Calm in the Storm
A child having a meltdown is overwhelmed. Your job is not to punish the feeling, but to stay with them and be their safe person until the feeling gets smaller. Your calm helps them feel calm.
Example: “This is a huge feeling. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here to keep you safe.”Have a “Pre-Game Huddle”
Avoid surprises by talking about the plan beforehand. When kids know what to expect, they are much less likely to have a meltdown. It puts you both on the same team.
Example: Before the store, say: “Quick huddle! We’re just getting milk and bread. Thumbs-up on the plan?”The Final Word: Choosing Connection AND Structure
The gentle parenting versus permissive parenting discussion comes down to our understanding that children need two things to flourish and thrive: a deep, unconditional connection and the safety attached to predictable structure.
Permissive parenting gives us connection with no structure. Authoritarian parenting gives us structure without connection.
Gentle parenting is the lovely, effective place in the middle where you intentionally provide both.
You’re not a bad parent for saying “no.” You’re a great parent for establishing the boundaries that will support your child developing into a respectful, capable, and resilient human being. Check out Kinzy Club Blogs for more such helpful articles.
Also do check our Kinzy App to create fun memorable stories through our advanced Ai assistant with your kids.
